Wrestlers need to be courageous in spite of fear rather than fearless

By John Klessinger

Recently, I read something really profound. Fifty years on earth and I’ve never heard it explained this way. It was one of those “aha” moments like, “How have I not known this or seen this before?”

What is fear? Why do we experience it? Most importantly, how do we deal with it?

Every negative emotion we have comes from fear. Take anger. We are angry when we feel disrespected or unheard. Anger fuels us when we feel wronged. Go a little deeper. The anger comes from fear. If you dissect (anger), you were emotionally hurt in some way that triggered something within you that made you feel unsafe, unloved, or unimportant.

Insecurity. Fear of not being good enough, strong enough, tough enough.

Frustration. Fear of not being understood. Fear of not being competent. 

Comparison. Although comparison isn’t an emotion, it certainly triggers negative emotions. What is comparison? It is about not measuring up to someone else. We fear we are less than someone else. 

Jealousy, envy, shame, and guilt. It is fear.

This column appeared in the Dec. 25 issue of WIN Magazine. Click on the cover or call 888-305-0606 to subscribe.

What would happen if we stopped letting fear drive the boat? What would happen if we understood the power thinking has on us … all of us?

Fear is a big bully, hiding in wolves’ clothing. But really, fear is a tiny chihuahua. From afar, it appears huge and important in the proper lighting and shadows (our thoughts). The bark is loud.

We move closer and see the error of our perception. Fear is a thought we believe is true. We are mistaking the small dog for a wolf.

And for that matter, what is a belief? A belief is a collection of thoughts. It is an idea. What if you dropped a belief that is holding you back? Maybe the idea that I am not good enough, tall enough, quick enough and lucky enough.

What if you saw those thoughts for what they are? Ideas that come from fear we mistakenly believe to be true. Our brains have a bias to fear and negative thinking. A survival mechanism from thousands, if not millions, of years ago. When we are scared, our thoughts and emotions are laced with fear. Almost like wearing sunglasses. We see a shaded and distorted reality.

We’ve learned to avoid fear. Run from it. Take this pill. Work harder. Ignore it. Don’t think about it. Resist it. Deny it. Read this book. Blame someone else. Make an excuse. 

How do we stop letting fear drive the boat? It is simple yet difficult.

It is difficult because it is the opposite of how we instinctually respond to fear and negative events. It is simple because it only requires a shift in your perception and willingness to look at things differently than you have in the past. 

So here you go. Here’s the “simple, yet difficult” formula to move past fear.

1. Amor Fati. “For the love of one’s fate.”  It is an attitude of accepting and embracing everything in life. Even the most difficult things.

Stoic philosopher Epictetus said, “Do not seek for things to happen the way you want them to; rather, wish that what happens happen the way it happens: then you will be happy.”

It is accepting and allowing whatever event, feeling, thought, etc. to be here right now. Welcome it. Become friends with it. Do not try to change it. We give fear fuel by not wanting it to be herEe. 

There is a Buddhist story of the two arrows of pain and/or suffering. The first arrow causes a physical or emotional punch, like losing a wrestling match. It hurts for a little bit. It stings. But it’s the second arrow that causes the greatest pain … with thoughts like “I suck.” “I could’ve tried harder.” “I will never be good enough.” It is the arrow of self-criticism, judgment, worry, guilt, etc. 

Fear is a biological response to a threat. However, it is also a habit you unintentionally create. When an animal is threatened, its brain and body immediately go into a fight/flight/freeze response no different than humans. But when it’s over, they shake uncontrollably for a few seconds. And it’s done. They don’t dwell on it. Humans have the gift (and curse) of reasoning and rationalizing. It would be easier to just literally shake it off. But our thinking mind gets involved. We remember it. We learn to fear the fear. It is the second arrow. 

2. Relax and Release. Take a few deep breaths. Find a comfortable place to sit or lie down. Relax your shoulders, jaw, stomach and butt. Feel the weight of your body sinking into the chair or bed. Then, locate the fear in your body. Your body will indicate where you are carrying fear and tension; usually in the stomach, sternum area, jaw, shoulders or neck. From there, literally, sit with it. Feel the feelings, however uncomfortable. Accepting is allowing it to be there without trying to change or push it away. Amor Fati!

When we relax enough and allow fear to be there, it gradually dissipates on its own. When we resist it, run from it or distract ourselves, it stays stuck. Learn from animals. Shake it off. You could also go on a walk, practice mindfulness, do breathing exercises, do yoga, do body scanning or even get a massage.

3. Investigate. Why are you afraid? What are my beliefs about how I should feel? What about this situation triggers these feelings? It is actually very fascinating. Stored within our mind and body are years and years of things we’ve pushed away or haven’t acknowledged. There is a reflection activity called “7 Levels Deep.” It is a step-by-step practice that dives deep into your goals and motivations (and fears). It is a powerful exercise. 

4. Compassion. We are much harsher to ourselves than we would ever be to someone else. Being compassionate means recognizing we all have fears that we must deal with to move beyond them. It does not mean belittling ourselves when we have insecurities. But it is also not about being soft on ourselves or about being a victim. Compassion means seeing our faults and doing our best to make changes, however tough they may be. 

5. Face your fears. Challenge what scares you. Grab the teammate who makes you work the hardest. Ride the roller coaster of fear. Admit when you are wrong. 

You could even make it a practice to do one thing each day that brings you fear. That is how you become friends with it and know it intimately. You will always have some level of fear running in your life. It is part of being human. But we don’t have to let it drive our boats. It is not about being fearless. It is about being courageous and acting despite fear. 

(John Klessinger is a teacher and wrestling coach at South River High School in Maryland. You can follow him on Instagram @coachkless and like his Facebook page “Coach Kless”.)